I visited with my family in Mom and Dad’s living room last night. Elv was off again to the mountains with Josh. I mention what Elv was doing because it adds to my scattered ideas here. He is most certainly not bothered by duty to society or how many connections to keep. Mountain trails are sufficient. Back to the living room. Someone mentioned their friend who “lives a meaningless life” and “they should get a job”. I suppose I gaped blankly for a second. But yes, I admit, my two days a week at a job does keep my life meaningful, even on the home days. Hold that idea.
This morning my sisters are chatting on Whatsapp about connections with friends. One sister has her sisters and that’s all she wants. Another sister has her sisters, but needs deeper friendships in her own community and mourns the lack thereof.
A daughter also is confessing that she opted out of sewing circle this month because she has farm and garden projects to attend to so her husband instructed her to not try to do it all.
Later in the day, after I started this scribbling, there was another conversation among the daughters about frustration with feeling ragged to be more and have deeper relationships. And that the impromptu chats with friends before church or at carry-in really don’t count.
One of the girls experiences exhaustion to the point of being sick after an event with friends other than the scheduled church events although she sincerely enjoys those events. She’s not looking for more, by the way, she’s looking for guilt free, non-defensive peace to enjoy her family and farm and church friends. To be thankful for life as it comes.
My own inside-my-head drama about duty and serving and being the right hostess or being a deep friend can often cause serious anxiety in my heart. It robs me of real life. I tend to forget that my own private life is important enough to pay attention to. My marriage friendship could always use some extra effort. If I’m anxious and guilty about not having meaningful relationships, I’m being distracted from my most important at home relationships. And from my home keeping. I am not trying to nail it for anyone else when I say this.
Some people become brilliant and energized by being with friends on coffee dates and hostessing and parties. Other people are sincerely drained by the two or three church activities per week.
Two of the daughters, I happen to know, do quietly invite and make suppers for friends. They share farm experiences and swap smiles and animals. Are these relationships “deep”? Depends how you look at it. Is this making life meaningful? Yes, of course. Do they still feel guilty… get guilted? Yup.
I’m learning to take grace by watching the way Elv does social life. He is entirely satisfied with one church meeting a week. Thankfully, it’s Sunday morning. He is content to explore the woods and lakes with or without a friend. He talks about ideas freely unless debate ensues, events if it’s real history, and not about people unless he’s personally invested in that person. He never, ever frets depth of friendship. He never carries guilt about social expectations.
In my numerous anxious times he asks, “Why can’t you take life as it comes?” But last night he comforted me in my anxiety by offering to communicate so that I could let it go. Maybe friendships with our closest people at home, done well, is key to the rest.
And for those of you who really just need peace and quiet and one friend at a time only now and then and Jesus? I applaud you. We can all learn to not feel less-than about the rest of us.
Stone House Scribblings 