It’s a bad feeling. This let down feeling after a week of busy fun with the family. All the old familiar quiet is filled with heaviness. We play music; which doesn’t help much.
Too much happened in such a short time. The memories would be gone to me if I didn’t have the photographs, because it was too much, too fast. I know I said that twice now. I want to take that week of minutes and stretch them out in a rerun of a month of time just so that I could absorb them for what they are.
I didn’t get to spend enough time with the babies. By next year when it happens again they’ll have changed so much. So many little things I’ll have missed. Nobody…nothing waits for me to get the full benefit.
We girls here at home didn’t get to have Jenny’s good humor and talk enough. We had to share with friends and other people so many times. And then evenings came and everyone was tired and went to bed. The truth I have to reface is that she is not ever going to come home to stay. I simply cannot make my heart believe that…not even after two years.
( Lisl’s been gone for four years, yet somehow I believe she’ll be back at least to our community. I don’t know why I think that. It’s probably just denial again like it is for Jenny. Maybe it is due to my never having been in Thailand in her home. I am on hold about her, I guess. )
Jenny and I did take a walk one day and we went up town shopping another day for a couple hours. I am glad we did that but frankly, I didn’t savor the moments enough because somehow I thought I had so many of them? I am unsure as to why when they are here I don’t spend more time just holding the moments up to the light looking at them. How do they all slip like that until you can’t go back?
I am motionless on the road looking back, longing for a way to hold time up so that I can get enough, finally, of the flavor and joy of Christmas family time. It’s not doing me any good, this paralysis of sadness. Here I am, stranded. Going forward puts the memories even further behind me, but standing here doesn’t allow for going back either. Nobody can go back. Eternity calls, and time sets the pace. My waiting is a waste.
I wonder if Heaven will finally let a person get enough time for joy!?